Subject/Object

I woke up this morning a little disoriented. After pushing through my last 25 pages of writing in 4 days for the semester, I finally am done. Only 3 classes and one practicum class to go.

I felt off today, having difficulty adjusting to the fact that I have nothing to do. I took myself out for a coffee, something I haven’t had the chance to do in months. I spent $40 at a used bookstore on the new unabridged translation of Foucault’s History of Madness and a replacement copy of Society of the Spectacle which I accidentally wrecked a few months ago. I strolled around in the snow, wrote in my book, and was generally quiet all day.

This is really one of the few times I have had the opportunity to be alone in the last four months. I have been stuck inside working on assignments, while my partner has been attempting a transition of careers into not-for-profit urban agriculture work. She has been working for a variety of organizations, helping out until she can find something full-time, and because of this she is always around and I never get a second to just stop and be quiet with myself for a moment.

Of course, when it comes, I feel useless. No essays, no group work, no pointless professional busy work. I have difficulty reading for myself because I am out of practice. I do have a book review to complete for the Journal of Electronic Resources Librarianship (my first!), but more on future developments in another post.

I want to rest, but I feel like I have forgotten how to just let go. But when I finally do let go I will have lost this momentum and will have to struggle to get it back next semester. This is why I am out of sorts.

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